What the Heck Is Energy Work?

Many have heard the term “energy work”, but because it is unfamiliar to them have feelings of apprehension about it.  And to others, this may be a new term. I find that people are somewhat leery of things they don’t quite understand (myself included), so I’d like to shed some light on this subject so that it makes more sense.

Let’s first start with what energy work ISN'T. It isn’t: magic, mystical, or scary. It isn’t even weird (unless of course your practitioner barks like a dog and dances like a chicken – get a new practitioner immediately!). Kidding aside, it also isn’t a substitute of any kind for prayer or any religious beliefs.  In fact, I actually had a client make the following brilliant observation: “Prayer is what invites positive circumstances, and the energy work is what clears the inner resistance to help receive it.” 

Before we get into the specifics of energy work, let’s define energy itself. Energy is the capacity of a physical system to perform work. Energy exists all around and within us in several forms such as heat, kinetic or mechanical energy, light, potential energy, electrical, or other forms. Because our bodies have an electrical system, defibrillators are used to restart the heart after a heart attack. We also have an electromagnetic system, which allows all kinds of communications to occur within and without the body. This is the system that is used when muscle testing (also known as kinesiology) to find blocks or weaknesses within the body. A polygraph test also uses this system and can be compared to muscle testing, as it is used to measure the body’s subconscious response to a true or false question.

OK now onto the good stuff – what is energy work, and what does it do? I realize as I write this that because there are so many methods out there (probably too many to mention) I better stick with what I know – the SimplyHealed Method®.  This modality uses kinesiology to find blocks, glitches, doubts, even generational issues (traits that run in a family – addictions, abuse, etc) within a person’s being. Oftentimes this is happening subconsciously, so the person is aware only of the effects of these blocks, in whichever way they manifest in the mind or body –illness, anxiety, depression, etc.  Once all these are found they are cleared.

Carolyn Cooper, the founder of SimplyHealed™, uses a great analogy to explain how this works:  Think of yourself as a biocomputer. As such, you store information, some of which is not serving you well – old programs, viruses, false information, etc. Just like a computer gets slow and tired over time, so do you! Especially when you are hanging onto hurtful things from the past. These things fester over time and become something much bigger and more complicated. So just like you would call a computer expert to come clean up your hard drive and software, an energy work practitioner would clean out the old programs you are holding onto.  With all the debris gone, the mind, body, and soul are now able to heal and function as they were designed to – and you are well on your way to being your best self!

I’ll share an example of how clearing emotional issues can affect the physical body. I once had the privilege of working with a client who was visiting from the Salt Lake area. We worked on many things during the session, and when we were finished he commented on how good his back felt. He never mentioned back pain to me before, and indicated that he had experienced the pain for so long that he didn’t think about it, and didn’t bother treating it – it was just a part of him.

Anyway, he left my office, went to a movie with a friend, then drove the five hours to his home. When he finally got there late that night, he called to let me know that his back still felt great. He had energy, and felt like he could do anything – he had forgotten how it felt to not have that pain. So something that we cleared for his emotional well-being also helped him physically. It’s amazing how capable the body is to heal itself when its blocks are out of the way!

People ask me all the time what I do, and how it all works. In a nutshell, I refer to Will Smith, who sums it up best as a professional matchmaker in his hit movie “Hitch” – “I just help people get out of their own way.”

"If you want to find the secrets of the universe, think in terms of energy, frequency and vibration." - Nikola Tesla

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Listen to Your Body Talk

How do you feel lately?  Do you have a lot on your mind – heavy work schedule, kids involved in too many activities? Life has many stressors, which oftentimes brings aches and pains, fatigue, and illness to the body.  But before you go and take a pill to alleviate your discomforts, think about this: your body is an incredible machine that is trying to communicate with you.

At first it will whisper, then as you ignore it, it will speak louder and louder until it finally shouts. It wants your attention so you can address its underlying issues. So pause for a moment and tune in to these messages your amazing body is sending you.

Although many aches and pains are caused by injuries or other physiological factors, oftentimes they can be driven by metaphysical means. Consider this in the following scenarios:

• Are you trying to make a big decision, and you notice a sore throat? Your body may be telling you that you’re not using both your head and your heart.  The neck is what connects these two important organs, so use both your intellect and your feelings for a satisfying solution. Also, throat represents your “voice”. Maybe it’s time to speak up about something.
• Do you have chronic shoulder pain? If it’s your left side, perhaps there are family issues that need your attention. You right side signals financial stress.
• Do you see a chiropractor about regular low back pain (sacroiliac sprains)? Your body possibly wants you to reexamine your circumstances – is this really the right job for you? Are you forcing yourself into a situation where you really don’t belong?
• Do you struggle with constipation? Ask yourself these questions: Do I “hold on to things?” Do I have a hard time “letting things go?”

I once heard about a woman who was rushed to the ER for a heart attack. After being examined and tested for treatment, it was determined that there was no heart attack. The perplexed doctors did not know what to make of it – she had every symptom, but no medical trace of this event. It was later learned that this woman’s daughter had died recently, and this woman was (literally) broken-hearted.  There is actually a pretty accurate name for this condition – “broken heart syndrome”.  Just another way that the body mirrors the underlying emotions.

So the next time you get a headache, or you feel muscle tension in the body, reflect on the things that are going on in your life. Take a minute to understand what your body is telling you. The more you learn to pay attention to these important signals, the more empowered you will be to correct them.  How does that make you feel?

“A sound mind in a sound body is a short but full description of a happy state in this world.” -  John Locke

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Are You Tired of Being Perfect? Time to Lighten Up!

Do you ever feel inadequate? Is your best effort never good enough? Do you sometimes feel a need to pretend to be someone you’re not so you can fit in? If so, you may be somewhat of a perfectionist. Perfectionism is defined as a personality trait characterized by a person’s striving for flawlessness and setting excessively high performance standards, accompanied by overly critical self-evaluations and concerns regarding others’ opinions. Of course, this is unrealistic, and often ends in depression and feelings of low self-worth.

The quest for perfection is exhausting and unrelenting. So why do we do this? And more importantly, how can we stop? As I’ve explored this self-destructive issue, I’ve come up with some causes and their solutions.  It’s important to note that we are inundated with conflicting and destructive messages from both within and outside of ourselves. Below are some of the ways we are negatively influenced, along with some helpful solutions:

• Inner Critic – That nagging, negative self-talk that compels us to compare ourselves to others, demeans us, and consistently reminds us of how inadequate we are.
  
  Solution: First, realize you are not alone – everyone struggles (or has at one time) with this. The Inner Critic would have you believe you are the only one who feels this way -- that’s one big reason it is so effective. So, knowing this is true, talk back to it. OK maybe not out loud when you’re in public, but talk back nonetheless – until it stops. This takes practice, but over time you will train your mind to think more positively (and correctly) about yourself.  
  
  Which brings us to the second thing you can do -open up your awareness to others. Look around. Do you really think you’re the only one being hard on yourself? Not by a long shot! Everyone else is struggling with something – guaranteed. So reach out to others with genuine compassion, knowing that they too are striving to keep up with what they believe comes easily to everyone else. Third, quit comparing yourself to others. When you do that, you are always pitting your weakness against another’s strength. Never a fair comparison.

• Outside Influences – For the sake of length I’m going to stick to women’s fashion magazines, since they are so pervasive. What message do they send? That as long as we are young, beautiful, skinny, rich, popular, etc we will be happy. The next time you’re in the grocery check-out line, pay attention to the women’s magazines, and their conflicting messages: Try our latest diet – guaranteed to take off 10 pounds in a week!  Really? Of course, there’s an airbrushed model for you to see so you really get the picture. You’ll usually notice off to the side of the magazine cover there’s a chocolate cake with the recipe included inside. Hmm, is this for the reward after you’ve followed the diet and lost those 10 pounds in 7 days?  Do you see how impossible all that is? 
  
  Solution: Look at the bigger picture – see the truth behind the facade. These messages tell us to compare ourselves to others, feel bad about ourselves, then buy their products to make it all better – all for the purpose of the magazines making money off their advertising space. It has nothing to do with us, just our money.

Whether our conflicts come from the Inner Critic or outside influences, the bottom line is fear – fear of rejection: People won’t like me if they know the real me. Fear of failure: If I don’t achieve the highest standards it is a reflection of my incompetence, and proof that I am incapable. Fear of not being accepted: If I say that, people will mock me – I won’t fit in. These fears are endless. They are destructive, completely false, and definitely keep us from being our true selves. The good news is that we can overcome!

Ask quality questions:

• What’s going to happen if my project fails?
• What can I learn from this?
• What is one thing I can improve?
• What will I do differently next time?

These questions empower us to take lessons where we can, and make realistic changes and improvements instead of beating ourselves up.

We were put on this earth to be happy, joyful, productive, giving, kind, and to strive for doing our best while being our perfectly flawed selves. I heard a thought -provoking quote this week by a young mom trying to keep up with it all – “I’m a piece of work, and a work in progress.” Aren’t we all?

So tell your Inner Critic to take a hike, put the fashion magazine down, and go talk to a friend – you’re more than enough, so lighten up!

Lighten Up!

(sung to the tune of “If You’re Happy and You Know It”)

 When life’s got you overrun,
Then lighten up.
Think of all the good you’ve done
And lighten up.
If your job is just half done and
Your big battle’s just half won,
Pat yourself on half your back
and lighten up. 

If you’re feeling loaded down
Then lighten up.
Shrug your shoulders, sing a song,
And lighten up.
With a friend or two beside you
And Heaven’s love to guide you,
Let some sunshine back inside you—
Lighten up!

Song adapted from Chieko Okasaki’s book “Lighten Up!”

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5 Tips To Becoming a Better Communicator

We all like to be heard and understood. We enjoy knowing that our opinions are valued, and that our communications with others are effective and fulfilling. In starting the New Year with self-improvement in mind, I’ve compiled from friends, colleagues, personal experience, as well as Forbes, Inc, a list of 5 suggestions that will help our interactions with others be rewarding and productive.

1.  Listen. It’s ironic that one of the best ways to effectively communicate is to say nothing. To be a good listener:

• Make eye contact, put distractions aside, and resist the tendency to think of a response while the other person is talking. Let them finish their complete thought.  This can be hard to do, especially if the speaker is being critical of us. When we refrain from becoming defensive, we can then understand what is motivating them, and what their true issue is. Only then will we be able to verbalize a healthy and productive response.
• Let your speaker feel valued and interesting – people love to talk about their own experiences.  
• When listening to a child, get down on their level in order to have eye contact, giving what they say importance and value.

2. Clarify.  My friend January Sadler is a nurse who works with six different doctors in a cancer clinic. There is no room in her profession for misunderstandings. She verbally repeats the details of the Drs’ orders so there is no chance of a patient getting the wrong medication or dosage.  Thankfully, not all details of clear communication are this potentially dire, but we can avoid needless misunderstandings and frustrations simply by clarifying the information we’ve been given. Use phrases such as, “I hear you saying…”, repeating back what they have said.  This gives validation to the person, as well as allowing clarity and accuracy from the conversation.

3.  Find your own voice. This from Forbes. Use language that is distinctly your own. Of course you want to use correct grammar, especially when giving a presentation, but resist the temptation to fixate on eloquence – be YOU. People want real. People respect and follow real.  Refrain from disguising who you are, and people will recognize and honor you for it.

4. Be open, honest, and straightforward. Helpful advice from my good friend Nicole Graf, founder of Expect a Victory. No one appreciates hearing things through the grapevine. If you have a concern with a person, summon some courage and approach them directly. Sometimes our tendency is to “beat around the bush”, thinking that we are softening our message. But oftentimes this results in confusion and frustration, as the listener has to try to interpret our mixed signals. Start this kind of conversation with a sincere compliment, telling the person what they are doing right – they will appreciate the praise, and be more apt to listen to and resolve your complaint.

5. Keep your word! Don’t make promises you know you won’t or can’t keep. Nothing will cause you to lose credibility faster. Always follow through. Sometimes we genuinely intend to fulfill a commitment, but unforeseen events prevent us from keeping our word. A rule of thumb: it’s better to say nothing or delay your communication until you’re certain your actions will ring true.

I’m sure there are other things you can add to this list, according to your circumstances and distinct personality traits. But this should give you a good start to the New Year as you assess your relationships, and evaluate how you can improve your communications with those around you. Remember how nice it is to be heard, complimented, and understood – reflect that back to others and watch your interactions and relationships thrive.

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The Mental Makeover: Ways To Strengthen Your Mind

My youngest daughter is an Olympic weightlifter. She has competed nationally, and has trained with the US Olympic Team. In her first national competition, she was privileged to earn a Bronze metal. This girl, with all her physical strength, flawless technique, and dogged determination, has come to learn through all of her competitions, with their ensuing victories and defeats, that there is more to the achievement of her goals than the grueling hours of athletic training. She has realized that the mind, equally as strong and disciplined as her body, is paramount to her success as a lifter.

Like my daughter, each of us needs a strong mind with which to successfully navigate our lives. Thankfully though, we don’t need to be semi-professional athletes to benefit from a fit mind. Whew!

Here are a few ideas to implement that will help exercise your mental self:

1.     Identify/Address limiting beliefs. We all have subconscious beliefs that hold us back. They are usually things like “I’m not smart enough”, or “people won’t like me if they get too close”. It’s not hard to see the connection between these false beliefs and the disappointments that are bound to follow. One way to find these beliefs is to write down all the reasons why you can’t get that job promotion, or find that right relationship. As you write, you’ll be surprised to see all the limitations under which you’ve been operating. When you find them, address them – challenge them. As you address false ideas with truth, you will see them dissolve. That’s a huge first step.

2.     Circles of Concern. A wise person once taught this to me when I was wrestling with some challenges, and it has become a favorite to share with my clients. It goes like this: take a blank sheet of paper and draw a circle in the middle. It should be big enough in which to make a list. Then around that circle make a bigger one. In the smaller circle list some things that YOU have control over: your actions, words, activities, etc. Then in the larger circle list things you have NO control over, but are concerned with: the actions of friends or loved-ones, broken economy, etc. This bigger circle contains the worries you turn over to a higher power. You give them to God. And then you let it go. Your focus is then only on the things listed in the smaller circle – the struggles within your realm of control. Now that your mental resources and your energy are directed in appropriate ways you’ll be more capable of conquering your challenges.

3.     Ask quality questions. Instead of the same old “why me?”, ask yourself “What might make this better?” or “What kind of person will I be on the other side of this problem?” A quality question will change your perception of any challenge, keeping your mind sharp and healthy as it searches for a helpful solution.

4.     Visualize the process. If you are required to make a speech and are overcome with fear, envision yourself confidently approaching the podium, successfully giving your well-prepared speech, walking back to your chair afterward, and enjoying the great feeling you have of delivering a fabulous address to a friendly and attentive audience. Seeing your way through something difficult before it happens is an effective way of telling your mind what you’d like to happen. It will bring a confident calm to your brain, since it will have a helpful pattern and direction to follow. 

There are many other ways to strengthen your mind, and I’m sure you have ideas and exercises that help you stay fit and healthy, both in your mind and in your body.  Do a little something each day that stretches yourself in some way – take a class, try a new route home, taste a different food. Even the smallest of things can change your overall direction. In the words of CS Lewis, “What saves a man is to take a step. Then another step.” One of the most important things my daughter learned about successful weightlifting is the practice of mental exercise to go with the physical workout.  It has served her well, as it will you and me in all our pursuits, whether we have Olympic dreams or are just trying to keep up with the daily challenges of life.

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Setting Healthy Boundaries

My husband and I recently bought a ranch. One of the attractions of this ranch is its great fences. The previous owner was meticulous in creating sturdy and definitive boundary lines for the cattle and horses. Because of this, we can contain our livestock with confidence, and easily keep the animals where we need them. It allows us peace of mind that our animals and property are protected.

Healthy relationships, just like a well-run ranch, require healthy boundaries. Learning to set healthy personal boundaries is necessary for maintaining a positive self-image. It is our way of communicating to others that we have self-respect, and will not allow others to define us. This is preserving our integrity, and taking control of our lives.

In order to achieve this we must overcome passivity, identify our needs, and assertively take care of ourselves in relationships. This allows our true self to emerge, and protect us from being manipulated, used, or violated by others.

Healthy boundaries become the fences that keep us safe. 

Boundaries can be physical, emotional, or mental.  Physical boundaries define how close another may approach us, or who can touch us, and how. Emotional and mental boundaries define where our thoughts and feelings end and another’s begins. For example, are we able to say “no”? Are we compulsive people pleasers? Can we ask for what we need? Do we feel responsible for another’s feelings? Do we mimic the opinions of others? The answers to these questions help define the “property lines” of our boundaries.  

How are your boundaries? Do you feel they are good, healthy boundaries? Or do they have extremes -- so rigid that you’ve created a wall? Or maybe the opposite --  the lack of a boundary at all? Those who surround themselves with walls literally shut everyone out from their lives. They appear aloof and distant, and won’t talk about feelings or show emotions. They exhibit extreme self-sufficiency, and don’t ask for help. They also don’t allow people to get close to them physically or emotionally. They can be likened to a house surrounded by an immense wall with no gates – no one is allowed in.

On the other hand, people without boundaries put their hands on strangers, and allow others to touch them inappropriately. They get too close to others too fast, take on others’ feelings as their own, give too much, take too much, and are in constant need of reassurance. They tend to say “yes” when they mean “no”, and feel responsible for everyone else’s problems. They often lead chaotic lives, full of drama, as if they lived in houses with no fences, gates, or even doors.

In contrast to the above extremes is the healthy boundary, which is firm but flexible. People who create these kinds of boundaries are able to negotiate and compromise. They give and receive support. They are responsible for their own happiness and allow others the same responsibility. They have empathy for others, are able to make mistakes without damaging their self-esteem, and have an internal sense of personal identity.  They live in houses with fences and gates that allow access only to those who respect their boundaries.

If you notice yourself feeling anger or resentment, or find yourself whining or complaining, you probably need to set a boundary. There’s an old Chinese Proverb that says, “Everyone  pushes a fallen fence”. Listen to yourself, and determine what you need to do or say. Then communicate your boundary assertively. When you are confident you can set healthy boundaries with others, you will lose the need to put up walls.  Remember the ranch with its sturdy, protective fences – the animals are easily seen, free to roam, and comfortably protected. Setting healthy boundaries allows your true self to emerge – and what a happy-trails kind of journey that is.   

A fence should be horse high, hog tight, and bull strong.

                                                              American Old West Proverb

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The Wonderful Magic of Kindness

My neighborhood has been having a rough time. Several people who we love have recently passed away. It seems that in times of tragedy and death I find myself contemplating big questions: the importance and shortness of life, why life seems to be so hard, the value of a person’s presence, just to name a few. One of the questions that immediately comes up for me is – when it’s the headstone on my grave, what will the epitaph say? I don’t want it to say, “Mom was bossy” “everything had to be perfect” or maybe even “she liked shoes”.  I want to live a life summed up with “Brigit was loving and kind”.

As I watch my neighbors drop everything to attend to the needs of those grieving, I am humbled as I realize I am watching the actions of love and genuine kindness. These are people who give without any thought of getting something in return. Amazingly, though, they do get something back, for kindness soothes the weary soul and brightens the heart of both the giver and the recipient. Being kind softens and strengthens us all.

We all remember times when someone extended a tender mercy and the warmth and love that resulted, and feel grateful appreciation for kindness as the world around us becomes more crass and unfeeling. I remember a time in my youth when a tender mercy was extended to me: I accidently broke a school window while practicing my tennis swing when I was about 8 years old. No one saw me do it, and I went home in a panic wondering what to do. I didn’t tell anyone, but my wise parents could tell something was wrong. They asked me what happened, and I confessed through guilty sobs. They told me I had to do the right thing – I had to go speak with Mr. Marchant, the principal, and make it right. I was scared to death, but I did it. I went to the office the next school day, expecting the worst – maybe jail - and confessed my sin. Mr Marchant listened compassionately, and said, “I think if you could give us $2 we can replace that window”. I couldn’t believe it – that window cost only $2.00??  It was the biggest relief of my young life. It wasn’t until much later that I realized that the $2 was for my benefit. It was so I could feel good about my effort of restitution.  I will always remember that kindness.

Sometimes being kind comes naturally, and other times it’s an effort. It’s easy to serve a sweet person we love, but what about those who challenge us? Some can be hard to love, and often resist our attempts to be kind. A certain Facebook post recently caught my eye: “Hurt people hurt people”. A short and simple phrase that speaks volumes. Every person we encounter is dealing with something hard, something we can’t see. Being aware of that can help us feel a sense of compassion for those with whom we struggle. Genuine kindness comes from the heart, and is able to put judgments aside, connecting hearts together.  I remember a song from childhood, “Kindness Begins with Me”. Could you imagine what our community would be like if everyone lived by the simple words of this song? Love and genuine kindness, sprinkled with a healthy dose of patience, can bring down walls of isolation and soften the hardest of hearts.

My neighbors and I are healing, and in large part it’s because of the love and tenderness that is being extended. People we love have left us, and while we will always feel their absence, we remember that those who are left behind are in need of compassionate service and love. We also see that each of us need each other.  Life is short. Leave people better than when you found them. Love your friends and family members as they are, while gently encouraging them to be their best version of themselves. Everyone, including you, will benefit in ways that can’t be measured, and that is the wonderful magic of kindness.

The Empath: How To Know If This Is You

What is an empath?

An empath is someone who absorbs the energy of the people around them. This is different than just being sensitive, as the empath tends to unnecessarily carry the worries and pains of the people around them, rather than just be aware of them. Some empathic people will physically feel the pain of others, such as literally feeling another’s headache. If a person with this trait doesn’t have a solid understanding of him/herself and how to work with that energy, he or she can be susceptible to anxiety, depression, and burnout.  This can further take a toll on the body, resulting in digestive issues, as well as chronic fatigue and back pain. However, just by being aware, this person can begin to use this as a gift, which is what it is. Here are some of the traits of an empath, see if you can relate:

1.     Public places can be overwhelming. Because these people pick up the energy around them, places like shopping malls, grocery stores, and stadiums can be highly agitating.

2.     Others want to offload their problems on them.  Because their presence is so welcoming, people feel safe unloading around them. This is where empaths feel like they are a dumping ground for others.

3.     Highly intuitive. These individuals experience the world through their intuition, so it’s important for them to listen to their gut feelings about people. They will also just “know” things – things that they logically shouldn’t know, but just do.

4.     Addictive personality. Sadly, empaths who don’t understand their gift will be drawn to alcohol, drugs, or any myriad of addictions, in a futile attempt to “protect” themselves from the onslaught of emotions that they feel from others.

5.     Weight issues. Empaths are prone to carrying extra weight, no matter how much they exercise or how much they diet. It’s another means to protect their own energy – in this case by subconsciously “cushioning” themselves from the “blows” coming at them.

6.     The need for solitude. This can sometimes be insatiable, as these sensitive souls need much time alone in order to get a feel for their own energy. It’s also how they unwind and recharge. Remember that crowds are draining to them, and if they don’t take care to take time out, burnout and fatigue will result.

7.     Love of nature. Empaths love and need to be outdoors, as the slower rhythyms of nature are soothing and healing to the anxious soul. This is a must for them.

8.    Excellent listeners. They don’t talk a lot about themselves, unless it is to someone they really trust. They are more apt to listen, which is a healing trait in and of itself to those around them.

9.    Moody.  They can appear shy, aloof, and experience mood swings. If they’ve taken on too much from others they can even be anti-social and miserable. They will have a hard time disguising this, and this is especially hard if they have a job where they must put on a happy face. Empaths can’t cover up what they feel.

10. Minimalist. Empaths like their space clutter-free, and can have a hard time concentrating or relaxing amidst clutter.

These really are just a few traits, as empaths also tend to avoid antiques, meat, and many other things that carry another’s energy. If you realize while reading this that the above is describing you, probably the hardest thing you’ve had to deal with is that you think all these things you feel are you, and all the negative feelings within are yours. They aren’t.  This is where you can take heart, as you can take a deep breath and let all these things go. Put them down, they are not yours. Now that you know this, you can use this gift as it was intended – as a healing gift to others. It’s happening without your ever knowing it. Your very presence is healing to those around you, which is an empowering truth for you.  

If you feel that you are en empath, know that all the above doesn’t have to define you. By knowing this is a gift, you can stop the negativity you’ve been experiencing, and enjoy it for the good it does. Some helpful habits to implement into your daily life: time alone, meditation, a creative outlet (art, dance, crafts, projects, etc), being outdoors, and a special someone to whom you can express yourself freely.  Also, find a place where you can use your nurturing gift: teaching, volunteering at a shelter, working with animals or mentoring children or teens. An empath’s true calling no matter what their chosen profession is to heal those who are hurting. And just your being aware of this is healing to you as well. Just make sure any time you are feeling overwhelmed that you mentally set everyone down. This will help you regain your own sense of self and establish the boundary of not carrying everyone’s stuff.

One final note: being an empath and being empathetic are two different things. An empathetic person relates to another because they themselves have felt similar emotions from a similar situation. The empath unintentionally takes on the emotions of another. The more an empath understands and works with this gift, the more pronounced it becomes, even to the point of perceiving others’ thoughts. But one does not become an empath – one either is or isn’t.  If you are reading this and sure you are NOT an empath, you may recognize some of these traits in a loved one or a dear friend. This awareness can help you support them with their gift, and they will love you for it.

Now that I’ve been reminded of what I need, I’m going to go take a walk. By myself.

Get Out of Victimhood and Be Your Own Super Hero

What is this year going to bring, and how much of it is within your control?  If you are living in a victim mentality probably not much!  If this is the case your life probably feels like a medley of sad country songs – “A Good Run of Bad Luck”, “There Goes my Life”, “Someone Else’s Star”, “There’s a Tear in my Beer”… Oh, I could go on, but  you’re probably already mildly depressed by now. Time to buck up little partner – right now is a new beginning and we’ve got work to do.

I Googled victim mentality, and Wikipedia actually had an accurate definition: “Victim mentality is an acquired (learned) personality trait in which a person tends to regard themselves as a victim of the negative actions of others, and to behave as if this were the case even in the lack of clear evidence of such circumstances. Victim mentality depends on habitual thought processes and attribution.”  I like how it says “acquired/learned” – that means you can “unlearn” it, and liberate yourself by adopting thought and behavior patterns that empower instead.

How do you know you are engaging in victimhood, and why would you even want to be? Let’s answer the why first. Generally, people engage in victim mentality because they get something out of it.  They get attention, validation, and sympathy. A person who becomes expert at being the victim is also able to easily manipulate others, as people tend to acquiesce to the needs of the so-called powerless. This behavior results in the endless cycle of‘Poor me’, followed by another’s response of ‘Oh no, bless your heart, how can I fix it for you?’  In a word: Drama.

Signs you may be in victim mentality:

·      You exercise repeat thoughts of negativity in every facet of life.

·      You don’t want to take responsibility for your choices

·      You avoid taking any risks

·      You have difficulty finding the “happy” in your life

Before you get discouraged, remember that the above is all learned behavior. Let’s re-pattern the thoughts in the brain to get into a positive and empowered space:

·      Ask. If you need to enlist the help of others, ask only of those who are in a position to help you, and ask in the spirit of knowing the issues will be resolved.

·      Exercise your spirit. Faith, Gratitude, and Prayer (in whatever ways these look like to you) bring unseen forces for good that lift and enable you do to things you think you can’t.

·      Change your perception. Make a list of things that are bothering you. Write these things out in detail. When you are finished, go back and address these things with Truth. In other words, take a step back and look at the situation without the emotion. Now that you can see it differently, you can see that the problem is smaller than you are. You are in charge of your actions.

We all can feel sorry for ourselves, and none of us are immune from falling into the easy trap of victimhood every now and then.  Only a perfect person can refrain from falling prey to the enticings of self-martyrdom all the time, and since no one is perfect, each of us will stumble at times. That’s OK. The next time you feel like you’re ready to sing the blues, try this -- set a timer for 6 minutes and privately have yourself a fantastic pity party.  Throw yourself on the floor if you need to, and kick, yell, and pound until you’re tired (just don’t hurt yourself or others).  Then pick yourself up and change your tune. You don’t need to play your country song backward, just find one that’s upbeat.  Start the New Year with “Life’s a Dance”,  “It’s a Great Day to be Alive”, or “I Like It, I Love It”.  Pair these great songs with the positive reinforcements of the above exercises and soon you’ll be whistling Dixie. 

Give Me a Break -- the Importance of Taking a Breather

I took my first algebra class in 7th grade. I had felt pretty smart in my schooling up to that point, and had always excelled at math. But for some reason, the new language of numbers and symbols together really threw me. I was attentive in class, took notes, and genuinely tried to learn the new concept, but it wouldn’t take hold in my mind. It didn’t help that I was somewhat timid at that age, and refrained from asking questions in class. One particularly challenging day at home with my math assignment, I became so frustrated that I picked up my book and threw it across the room as hard as I could. I left my room in tears and went to the kitchen for some water, a snack, and a much-needed break. About twenty minutes later, I returned to my book (luckily it was still intact) with its accompanying assignment (I think it was still wet with tears), and something completely magical happened – it clicked! I understood the formula, it all made sense, and I got the assignment finished! My memory is just a little hazy, but I’m pretty sure there was a chorus of angels singing Hallelujah! in the background. Either way, from that moment on, math became my favorite subject. 

“Your calm mind is the ultimate weapon against your challenges. So relax.” Bryant McGill

With a new school year upon us, now is the perfect time to evaluate how we spend our time learning, working, studying, and productively resting. There is so much to do in a day, and with the modern addition of social media and smart phones to our already busy lives, it is essential to balance these activities with downtime. I recently read a self-improvement book that said one should even take breaks from reading. I had a hard time with that one until I acknowledged that I easily get lost in a good book for days at a time.

Many things demand our attention, some important, some not. If you are trying hard to learn something new, work at it for a while then step away -- maybe take a short walk. If you find yourself troubled or discouraged, it might be a great time to stop watching the news or spending time on Facebook (or both) for a week (or forever). If you are in the middle of planning a wedding and you want to cry, go cry and then get out a puzzle. And have some ice cream. 

My 7th grade experience taught me something more important than algebra – it taught me the value and importance of taking a break. That lesson has stayed with me, and as an adult I am glad to say that I work hard, but I also allow myself to walk away from things for a temporary time-out. I’m able to stay productive, and my brain gets the chance to relax and rejuvenate. Plus, it’s really great for everyone around me because I don’t throw things. Which occurs to me, I’ve been working really hard at this article – I think I’ll go take a break. But you’ve been reading – you’ve had your break. You should probably get back to work.