The Mad Skill of Asking for Help

I’m writing this article as one who is recovering from Perfectionism. One of the traits I believe that stems from being a perfectionist is adhering to the misguided notion that one has to do everything on his or her own, never asking for help. 

I believe that we live in a world where we feel that asking for help is a sign of weakness. Actually it is a form of pride and/or arrogance. Ouch. I remember an event years ago in my life that taught me the value and importance of letting someone help. I was a harried, stressed mother with 4 young children.  At that time my husband worked out of town, and I did much of the parenting alone. I literally went through years without much sleep, with many days ending in tears of frustration and exhaustion.  One particular day, I woke up very ill. As with many young and busy moms, I tried to convince myself I was Ok. I managed to get myself out of bed, but didn’t get much further. I was to a point where I couldn’t get off the floor, and I remember thinking, “I’m in serious trouble here, and I can’t take care of my kids. I don’t know what I’m going to do.” Even in this condition it didn’t occur to me to ask for anyone’s help. I said a prayer, and that was all I could do. Just a few moments later, a neighbor called me and asked me how I was doing. I told her I was really sick and not able to do anything. Crazy side-note here – EVEN WITH SOMEONE CHECKING ON ME, IT STILL DIDN’T OCCUR TO ME TO ASK FOR HELP! I hung up the phone and willed myself to feel better. And then a miracle happened: a knock at my door. With every ounce of strength I had, I managed to get up and see who was there – it turned out to be my neighbor who had just called! She was there to pick up my 3 small children who weren’t yet in school. She didn’t ask, she announced it and that was that. She had her own small children to care for, and I knew this was a huge sacrifice for her to make. She saved me that day when I couldn’t save myself, when I wouldn’t even ask for myself. This was a turning point for me, and now, 22 years later, I still look back on that day with the utmost gratitude for someone who was inspired and willing to make such a sacrifice so my kids could be cared for while I was ill. 

I see so many other people making this same mistake – yes, it’s a mistake to believe everything is all on your own shoulders. It’s a false belief, and a self-destructive behavior. Here are some things I’ve learned over the years about the importance and value of letting others assist you in this journey of life:

• Each of us has a need to serve. We often ask loved-ones if there is anything we can do to help, and we usually stop there. I believe we do this NOT because we aren’t sincere, but because we don’t know what help is truly needed, and we don’t want to intrude. But, generally speaking, we genuinely do want to help those around us. Just as we want to help others, so we should let them serve us! It blesses your life, and it blesses theirs.

• Connection. Each of us has unique gifts/talents that we need to share. As a person is given the opportunity to use those qualities to help another, not only are these gifts strengthened, but so are the connections between friends, neighbors, family members, and associates. We appreciate each other more, and we grow together in friendship and unity.

• We have a better outcome. By letting those help in their capacity, projects become manageable, and the finished product is far better than if we tried to tackle it ourselves. 

• We learn how to give and receive. Every relationship in life is about giving and receiving. When we don’t allow ourselves to receive, we eventually become resentful. This is really harmful to any and all of our relationships. Allowing people to help us reminds us that we are worthy of assistance, and affirms a healthy feeling of gratitude for all that we are given. 

After all of my life experiences, I find I still have to remind myself to ask for help at times. I’m learning to be patient with myself in this process, as I hope you are with yourself as well. My husband asked me last week what topic I was writing this article about. When I told him it was about asking for help, he said, “Are you going to do it alone?” Ha. No, I need his mad skills as an editor. He gets to perfect it.  

Happiness Mindset – Make it a Happy New Year

I once listened to a stand-up comedian joke about a burglary scheme he wanted to try: he wanted to break into houses in a neighborhood and steal. But instead of thieving valuable TVs and electronics, he just wanted to steal the remote controls. Afterward, he planned to drive around that neighborhood and look in the windows so he could laugh at everyone’s frustration at not being able to change the channel. A real prankster. But there’s actually some truth for each of us in this comic routine: we often give others the remote control to our happiness. 

“Most people are about as happy as they make up their mind to be.” So said Abraham Lincoln.  It isn’t what happens to us in life that determines our happiness so much as how we react to what happens.  There are so many things that are outside our control; however, we can always control our thoughts about those things. If, for example, you lose your job, you get to choose how you respond. You may view the circumstance as the opportunity to start that new business you’ve been contemplating – or, you might decide that you must be stupid, incompetent, or unneeded. If these unhealthy thoughts continue, the result will be drastically different and completely unhappy. 

Carolyn Cooper, founder of SimplyHealed ™, often refers to the following sequence that determines our happiness: A) An event happens B) A person has a belief about what just occurred, and C) The consequential result, based on that belief. She uses the example of a football game: one team loses, one wins. Same event, but very different reactions to that event, depending on a person’s belief (in this case, which team you are on). 

Choosing to be happy can be one of the greatest challenges of life. Maturity means taking responsibility for our own happiness and choosing to be grateful for what we have, instead of focusing on what we lack.  There’s always a reason to be grateful for what we have right now, even if it’s nothing more than knowing you are learning an important life lesson.  Gratitude is key to happiness. Always start right where you are, and be truly thankful in your circumstance. Remember that on the other side of this problem is an undoubtedly more resilient and wise person of strength.

Watch your thoughts vigilantly, knowing what to keep and what to discard. It seems to be human nature to remember an insult for years, and forget a compliment we received just yesterday. If we aren’t careful, this mindset will train us to become garbage collectors, carrying around trash that was thrown at us years ago.  Being happy can be hard work sometimes. It’s kind of like maintaining a nice home – you’ve got to keep your treasures and toss the junk. 

This new year, may we all maintain full ownership of the remote control to our own joy. Thieves may try to break in and steal, but we have the power to keep our happiness safe. Remember there’s a lesson in everything – if you’re looking for it. “Happiness is a direction, not a place.” Sydney J. Harris

Mind Your Manners: The Refined Art of Etiquette

It’s that time of year again -- over-scheduled calendars, holiday meal preparations, family gatherings, and lots of extra shopping. It’s a time when to-do lists stretch long and patience runs short. This is the time when we all especially appreciate the courtesies extended by others. When others are lifted by the thoughtfulness of us. Good manners can ease social tension, strengthen relationships, and basically help everything in life run a little smoother. Social grace encourages more of the same, bringing a spirit of unity in a sometimes- hectic world.

My husband and I just returned from Europe, and were warned that we might be met with rudeness. I am happy to report that we were treated with kindness everywhere we went. People were happy to assist us with the transit systems, give us directions, and count out our change. At one point a nice young man asked us how we were being received by his fellow Europeans, encouraging us to be honest. He was pleased that we were enjoying everyone’s hospitality. Our trip was successful in large part because of the good manners and helpfulness extended to us, and we were made to feel welcome in a foreign land.

In considering some of the stresses of this holiday season, a few key situations come to mind where we can focus our good behaviors, bringing good will and kindness to those in our community:

• Social Graces. In Europe are transit stations signs that say, “Mind the Gap”, referring to the gap between the train and the platform. It means be aware so you don’t stumble, hurt yourself, or lose something. In America we say “mind your manners” perhaps so we don’t stumble or hurt ourselves or others socially. Be mindful, be aware. Did someone send you an invitation with an RSVP request? If so, respond so they know if they should plan on your attendance. That simple courtesy helps them determine how much food they might need for their special event. Beyond the basic Please and Thank You, be mindful of those who may need your assistance and your kindness. Is someone sitting alone? Are they new and looking confused or lost? Just a moment of your time might make a world of difference to someone else. Ask yourself this question next time you’re at a gathering: Am I monopolizing the conversation? Do I know anything about this person to whom I am speaking? Let others tell their story – ask about them or their family. You’ll be surprised how quickly they warm to you, and how much they will enjoy the conversation.

• Driving. OK I’m just going to come out and say it: the turn signal is a fabulous invention, and it is so polite to let people know when you are planning to make a turn. Oh, and by the way, it’s the law. Driving around town, especially during the holiday season, can be a tense and frustrating situation. Do your best to be courteous to other drivers: let someone in, don’t pull out in front of another car (especially if you drive slowly), and most importantly, be patient with other drivers. Recognize that we all make mistakes. If we have been the rude driver we can acknowledge that by waving to the driver we may have offended. Simple courtesy while driving isn’t just the polite thing to do, it is also a matter of safety. These simple driving habits can make a difference in your overall attitude and well-being when navigating through congested traffic.

At the end of this recent trip my husband and I took, I had the pleasure of being the recipient of someone’s generous manners: While waiting for my flight home, I had a handful of coins that I needed to get rid of. I went into a shop and bought snacks in the amount that I thought was about right. At checkout, I laid my coins on the counter and proceeded to count, feeling quite inadequate with the task, and worried that I was going to hold up the line. The kind woman at the register asked if I would like her help. I gratefully replied in the affirmative, and she proceeded to count all that was needed, cooperatively leaving me with just a couple of coins. Her graciousness invoked in me a very heart-felt thank you for her patience and assistance, to which she replied, “You’re most welcome, have a wonderful flight, darling.” I left that country with a smile on my face and warmth in my heart.

As the song goes, it’s the most wonderful time of year. A time when we should all have a smile on our face and warmth in our heart. This is the season of goodwill, of kindness and generosity. I sincerely hope we all are considerate and thoughtful of each other. A little bit of grace goes a long way for another. As we are all travelers in this life together, may we be aware and mindful of each other’s needs. I wish you all a lovely, brilliant, smashing holiday season, and may you be a darling to everyone you meet.

Featured Image Copyright: Gustavo Frazao / BigStockPhoto.com

Reap the Harvest

Have you ever planted a garden? If so, you know how much time, effort, patience, and consistency is required. Can you imagine working that hard, only to let your product rot at the end? It would be silly to let the fruits of your labor go to such waste. And yet that’s what some of us do in the garden of our lives – we work hard toward a worthy goal, only to cheat ourselves of the fulfillment and enjoyment of our valiant efforts.

A few examples of what this might look like:

• Complete a demanding school project, then miss the deadline of turning it in
• Plan over many years toward retirement, then wonder what to do with yourself and feel guilty about your new-found free time
• Finally become an empty-nester, only to feel that your house is big, sad and empty instead of enjoying your new space
• Earn a college degree, then suddenly find you’re no longer interested in the subject of your major
• Finally got that raise, but the extra money goes unaccounted for and disappears, or isn’t enough
• What was once satisfying (usually material things) is now not enough

If you recognize and resonate with any of the above, you are familiar with the guilt and frustration that can come when you realize you’re missing out on the happiness your life’s experiences should bring. You might also notice that other areas of your life are influenced  – not being able to lose weight, feeling stuck in your life, being dissatisfied with life in general.

A good friend recently helped me construct meaningful solutions to help clients navigate through these situations and seasons of life.  These suggestions prompt a healthy mode of receiving the bounties and blessings of our efforts:

1.      Claim. Claim (or re-claim) your space, your blessing, your desire. Tell yourself, “this is mine, I deserve this.” If, for example, you’ve finished a huge assignment for which you are graded, claim the final result you want – in this case an A+. Tell yourself you deserve the best grade possible for your efforts.

2.      Define. Define (or re-define) your new boundaries. Boundaries set aside your space or your energy as your own, and separate them from those of others. If you are designing a house, give a purpose to each room. Give each room a name – a family room, for example, might be called “Gathering”. This room now has the purpose and intention of gathering friends and loved ones together, bringing unity and harmony to important relationships.

3.      Arrange. Arrange (or rearrange) things in their proper place, and put your new boundaries into action. If you’ve just become an empty-nester, rearrange your new rooms (with their named purpose) so they serve you going forward.

4.      Receive. A simple yet complicated word. You receive your good with open arms and without inhibition or hesitation.  If you finally got the raise you’ve been working so hard for, receive it fully: “see” the bounty of the extra, and give this blessing a purpose. Make this bonus money work for you and bless your life.

Isn’t life magnificent? It gives us so many opportunities to grow, learn, and become refined. And one factor always remains constant – Change.  Each season of life presents new challenges, as well as wonderful conditions in which to develop our character. Enjoy the beautiful season of reaping the good harvest. Create space to receive your next harvest.  Claim and receive life’s glorious bounties. Happy Fall!

Affirmations: Accessing Your Mind's Power

We hear the term “Affirmation” quite a bit these days. But just what is an affirmation? I compiled definitions from several sources to illustrate the power of this word:

• To “affirm” means to state something that is true
• A statement of truth which one aspires to absorb into his life
• An action of support or approval
• An assertion that something is true
• A positive statement or judgment
• A statement intended to provide encouragement, emotional support, or motivation, especially when used for purposes of autosuggestion

Affirmations reinforce an intention so deeply that it bypasses one’s conscious mind, and goes straight into the subconscious. This is powerful because the subconscious mind believes what it is told – much like a blank screen that displays whatever is projected onto it. Much like an acorn that is planted eventually becomes a mighty Oak.  According to the late author and motivational speaker Louise Hay, “all of our self-talk, our internal dialogue, is a stream of affirmations. You’re using affirmations every moment whether you know it or not. You’re affirming and creating your life experiences with every word and thought.”

Our thoughts and words eventually create our reality. Mahatma Gandhi once said, “Your beliefs become your thoughts, your thoughts become your words, your words become your actions, your actions become your habits, your habits become your values, your values become your destiny.”  Oh, the power of our words! Each one of us would be very wise to carefully and mindfully create the phrases we repeat to ourselves daily.

One of the most effective ways to use affirmations is to write or type a word or phrase that resonates with you, and put it where you can see it often. Every time you see it, say it aloud several times. Whether you really believe the statement or not, using the declarations will plant new thought in the fertile ground of your mind. Over time, you will find new thought-patterns emerging. You will see your life change. I put together a list of some of my favorite affirmations that I use both personally and professionally.  Some of these came from the book “The Game of Life and How to Play It”.  Feel free to copy and use for yourself:

• Divine order is established in my mind, body, and affairs
• I see the hand of Providence in my life each day
• It is safe for me to be my authentic self
• I step into perfect health and allow myself to feel great
• Prosperity and Abundance are a part of my daily life
• There is always enough
• I am enough
• Rhythm, harmony, and balance are now established in my mind, body, business, and affairs. I see clearly and act quickly, and my greatest expectations come to pass in a miraculous way
• I am always under direct inspiration; I make right decisions quickly
• The ground I am on is happy ground
• The systems in my body operate and communicate effectively and optimally
• The genius within me is now released
• The obstacles before me give way
• Success is mine, and I claim it
• I am safe
• I trust that everything works out
• I allow myself to be divinely guided

Choose a few (or all) of the above affirmations and put them to the test: use them several times daily over the rest of the summer and see what is different by Fall. What we plant in our minds becomes a magnet that attracts whatever takes root there. It bears fruit and becomes our reality. What might not feel “true” for us today will feel comfortable in the weeks and months ahead. Choose wisely what grows in your mind, as these affirmations will indeed blossom into your new truth.

What If? Asking Yourself Life-Changing Questions

At a family reunion years ago, we played the game “What if?” To play, everyone sits in a circle and writes down a question that starts with the phrase, “What if?” It can be any kind of question, whether it is serious or silly. The questions are then gathered and redistributed randomly to another person. Once everyone has a question that they didn’t write, they answer it however they want, again being serious or silly. For the last part of the game, everyone goes around the circle and reads their cards, with one catch: they read the question only, and the person next to them reads only the answer written on their paper. This provides mis-matched answers, which is the point of the game – usually hearing a question with the wrong answer is pretty funny, either because it makes absolutely no sense, or because it’s surprisingly true.

Questions in a game like this can be goofy, but well-asked questions in the game of life can be powerful – a game-changer, if you will. They can help us see, feel, think, and do things differently. Do you want better relationships? Ask better questions. Do you want a great life? Ask great questions.

Wendy Watson Nelson, PhD in family therapy and gerontology, wrote a book entitled, “Change Your Questions Change Your Life," in which she explores the many different kinds of questions that can bring about enlightenment and transformation. In a section of the book, she addresses the “What if” kinds of questions, which are effective at getting one to look at his or her problems in a whole new way.  As you ponder on a troublesome situation in your life, play with some of the following questions for a fresh perspective:

• What if such and such were the case instead of how it is? Suspend reality for a brief moment by turning the whole situation upside down. See what new ideas present themselves.
• What if the situation were reversed? What if Dad had a terminal illness rather than Mom? How would that change things for you?
• What if the timing were different? What if this was happening five years from now? Would that make any difference?
• What if your actions were different? What would happen if you confided in someone instead of keeping it all inside? Would that help?

As you apply these questions, is there anything that invites you to think or act differently? One quality question really can make a difference. I invite you to ask yourself one “What if” question this week, be it silly or serious, as long as it encourages you to look at your troubles in a new light. Great questions will challenge your perception, and invoke the winning answers that can change your life!

Featured Image Copyright: Gearstd / BigStockPhoto.com

The Heart Knows: How to Tune In for Happiness and Healing

It is only with the heart that one can see rightly. What is essential is invisible to the eye.  

– Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, The Little Prince

Do you ever feel like you’re overthinking things, or that your brain keeps repeating the same things over and over? We all get stuck in our thoughts from time to time, usually because we tell ourselves that our answers are in the brain. But when it comes to healing and happiness, it’s one’s heart that generally has the answer. The sooner you can free your thoughts, the better you will feel.

The heart is your all-knowing organ, and research is proving that it holds tremendous power. In a set of experiments outlined in The Journal of Alternative and Complementary Medicine, 2004, Dr. Rollin McCraty of the Heartmath Institute, conducted research of this revolutionary new science of the heart. The result of these experiments found that the heart seems to ‘know’ the future. The experiments were conducted as follows:

Participants were each seated before a computer, on which flashed randomly selected images. The images, spaced 6 seconds apart, ranged from beautiful and serene to frightening and gruesome. Each participant was connected to equipment that monitored heartbeat, brainwave patterns, skin conductivity, nervous system and organ function. The participants’ only job was to watch the images. When the session was over, researchers found that each participant’s heart responded seconds before their brains did. In fact, the heart was the first part of their physiology to react to the stimulus. Sometimes the heart reacted a full 6 seconds before a new image was shown! Their conclusion: The heart appears to know what is coming – it displayed what is called ‘precognition’.

Dr. McCraty summarized: “Of greatest significance here is our major finding: namely…. Evidence that the heart is directly involved with the processing of information about a future emotional stimulus seconds before the body actually experiences the stimulus….What is truly surprising about the result is the fact that the heart appears to play a direct role in the perception of future events, at the very least it implies that the brain does not act alone in this regard.”

Studies such as this one may help explain some of the common sayings we hear about our emotions – “listen to your heart”, “follow your heart”, “it breaks my heart”.  The heart is our center for love, forgiveness, and compassion. It can also know what is best for us as we make decisions about our personal growth and healing.

There is a two-way street of information running between your brain and your heart – this information travels not only from brain to heart, but from heart to brain. For this reason we need to use the heart and mind together when making important decisions. Usually, however, we get stuck in our thoughts and ignore what the heart knows. Our bodies will actually bring this imbalance to our attention, and if we are paying attention we might notice a sore or scratchy throat.

To tune in to the heart’s knowing, focus on your heart as you ask yourself ‘yes’ or ‘no’ questions. You might even put your hand on your heart as you practice listening to this amazing center of wisdom. Wait for an answer, but try to listen to your heart and not your brain. Your heart has a different style of communication than your brain, so you might get an expansion or warmth in your heart area. It can be a constriction or even a slight pain in your heart. You may even intuitively “see” the right answer when closing your eyes while asking the question. Or maybe you can even “hear” the answer. Whichever it is, pay attention.

This simple but powerful practice may help you over time to establish a new-found sense of inner knowing and guidance. Your body is here to help, and when you learn to listen to its inner wisdom, you will be moving toward a wonderful place of health and well-being.

Featured Image Copyright: PavelKukol / BigStockPhoto.com

Write to Create

In this third and final part of my Journaling series, I want to share with you some effective writing tools I’ve acquired over the years. These tools will help transform your written wants into reality. Whether you realize it or not, you are either living with intention or you are merely being reactive.  When you are reactive, you are a slave to your emotions. But when you are a conscious creator you are taking charge - you are taking responsibility for your life.

Here are some key tips for successful creating:

• Reflect. Before you design your life going forward, pause to contemplate the last year. What were your highs and successes? Take a moment to record how great that felt. Then examine briefly your lows, your pains. What did they teach you about yourself? There is always something valuable to be gleaned from difficult circumstances, so jot down those things so you can take those valuable lessons going forward.
• Select a Mantra. Choose a word or a phrase that will highlight the year to come. If, for example, you suffered poor health last year, you might list the word STRENGTH, WHOLENESS, or maybe VITALITY.  This mantra has the power to change your course, so choose your word or phrase thoughtfully. 
• Write in the present tense. Always write as if what you desire is already happening. This tells the subconscious mind that what you want is real, which then plants the seed of change.  Instead of writing, “I want to lose 10 pounds”, put down “It feels great being 10 pounds lighter!”
• Journal in specific detail.  Just as a house plan requires detailed instructions, so does your successful life.  If it’s a better job you want, describe that job in as much detail as possible.  This will help your mind construct the realization of your design.
• Remember that you create with God. We often don’t understand our potential, but God does. You weren’t meant to navigate this world alone, so when you map out this new year remember that He is your guide as you learn and grow.
• Trust and surrender. Once a desire has been stated, give it time and don’t panic if things don’t happen immediately. “A watched pot never boils”. 
• Or something better. My friend and mentor Carolyn Cooper taught me this. At the bottom of every situation you create, you should write “or something better” at the end. No matter how big we dream, we always manage to limit ourselves. All things are possible, so make sure you include this phrase in your writing.
• Practice the magical art of Gratitude. Be grateful no matter what shows up. This life is your journey, and you should be learning something every day. Sincere gratitude for even the smallest of manifestations has an uncanny way of clearing the way for bigger and more magnificent things.
• Whatever you put out there comes back. This is the universal Law of Vibration in action – make sure your thoughts, words, and actions are on that high vibration you want to match.
• Envision what you want in your mind. Seeing it play out on the stage of your mind, while experiencing the happy emotion that accompanies it will help cement your goals into every cell of your being.

If you are not actively creating your life, you are reacting to what life hands you. This puts you in defense mode where your desires find it hard to break through and become realized. When you write to create you are using one of the tools God gave you to be both proactive about your life and to respond with spiritual maturity to anything that comes your way.  Writing is healing. Writing is recording the highlights, defeats, and lessons of your life. It is a way to de-stress, to calm, to clear a cluttered mind. And it is a powerful means to bring about a happy, successful, healthy, and prosperous life.

Writing to De Stress

In the last edition I wrote about writing to heal the body. In this second of three articles, I will address how journaling your concerns can de-stress your life and mind.

Philosopher and psychologist William James once said, “If you can change your mind, you can change your life” – and journaling can help you do just that! I assign many types of writing assignments to clients, as the therapeutic benefits are many.  Three of my favorite ways to de-stress through writing are:

• Gratitude Journal. Write just 3 things every day for which you are grateful. It doesn’t matter if it’s a big or small thing, the requirement is that it’s sincere. Think of the “small” things for a minute: when was the last time you felt grateful for clean drinking water? Unless you’ve spent time in a third-world country, or been a victim of a natural disaster, you’ve likely taken this for granted. Sincere gratitude expressed daily will open your eyes to all that’s right and good around you. Over time, it will become your habit to look for the silver lining in every cloud you encounter. Not only will it improve your outlook and your mood, it will boost your body’s overall ability to manage stress, which will result in a healthier, happier you.
• Free Writing.  This is when you just put pen to paper and write. Don’t think, don’t punctuate, just write. Fill a page, then read over (hopefully it’s legible enough) what you wrote. You will likely be surprised at what came out on your paper. Many times there are deep frustrations, false beliefs, and anger that you’ve had festering inside on a subconscious level. Any time you write a thought, you bring out the intangible and make it real. Once it is real, you can process it, and when you’re done with the negative, you can throw it away. It is so empowering to be able to “toss” your worries away!
• “Reality Check” Writing.  A friend and mentor taught me this technique, and I use it often. This one can take a while, so make sure you’re good and comfortable, with plenty of time before you begin.  Take out a piece of paper and list everything that is bugging you. Number the items, and detail exactly why you are irritated with each situation.  Make sure you’ve written until you feel that everything is out. When you are finished, take out a fresh paper. On this list, you will address each item of irritation, and you will answer it with Truth. To do this, you will look at each item without the distortion of emotion – you will take a step back from the situation you’ve written about – and you will look at the bigger picture. As you do this you will notice that there is a different way to see your problems, and you will feel a shift as you do so. You’ll see the good through the bad, and you’ll recognize growth and learning in your troubles and stresses. This exercise is perfectly effective, as it broadens your mind to infinite possibilities. Tame your negative thoughts with Truth!

One interesting side-note about journaling: it matters that you use a pen/pencil and paper. You won’t get quite the same result if you type your feelings, as there is something healing about creating letters with your own hand. Try expressing feelings on paper and see if it doesn’t cool your brain, slow your breathing, clear your thoughts, and deepen your sleep. What better gift could you give yourself than the gift of a calm, balanced, and relaxed mind? 

Featured Image Copyright: Felmeeeh /BigStockPhoto.com

Write to Heal

In my energy healing practice, my clients often require some “homework” in order to heal.  I give out many different types of homework, according to a client’s needs, but by far the most common kind of homework is writing assignments.  There are many different ways of writing to heal body, mind, and spirit.

Some of my writing assignments include: free writing, manifest list, gratitude journal, body journal, Priorities, and more. Because there are so many different reasons to write, I have decided to divide this into a three-part series:

1) writing to heal the body;

2) writing to de-stress;

3) and writing to make dreams a reality.

Future articles will address de-stressing and making dreams a reality, but this article will focus on writing to heal the body.

There is increasing evidence to support the notion that journaling has a positive impact on physical well-being. Psychologists James Pennebaker, PhD at University of Texas at Austin, and Joshua Smyth, PhD at Syracuse University, contend that regular journaling strengthens immune cells. Other research from Pennebaker and colleague Roger Booth, PhD, indicates that writing decreases the symptoms of asthma and rheumatoid arthritis, as well as a stronger antibody response to the Hepatitis B vaccine.

Researchers have also concluded that journaling reduces blood pressure, and improves lung and liver function, among other things (Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology). Research further suggests that to tap into writing’s healing power, one must gain learning and understanding of their emotions. In other words – don’t just complain in your writing, learn from your feelings and reactions to your problems.

Here’s an example of how you might put journaling for health into practice: Say you have chronic back pain. Alongside medical or chiropractic care, you might journal your feelings and emotions. Metaphysically, back pain suggests you may be feeling unsupported.  Your back is also a reflection of how you govern your life. So you might ask yourself these questions:

• Do I feel supported at work and at home?
• Do I manage my time well?
• Do I feel like I can never get caught up?
• Do I know what to do next?
• Does my significant other ‘have my back’?

As you ponder on your emotions, write them down, paying attention to what “comes out” as you write. Many times deep subconscious fears will come out when you pen your emotions.  This is exactly what you want. As you write these things down, try to gain some understanding of why you feel the way you do, seeing things from another perspective, and creating possible solutions to these dilemmas. 

Expressing gratitude on paper is also quite valuable in helping your body heal. Carolyn Cooper, founder and CEO of SimplyHealed ™, once shared an experience she had with chronic shoulder pain that cleared up when she implemented a gratitude journal.

She had gone to a doctor for her pain, and was told that surgery would be required for it to heal. She didn’t want to have surgery unless it was absolutely necessary. So for the next three weeks, she listed three things each day that she felt a sincere gratitude regarding her shoulder –  how over the years she was able to hold and carry around her babies, how she was able to teach fitness classes through much of her adult life, etc. At the end of three weeks, not only was her shoulder pain gone, but the doctor reported that she didn’t need surgery! That is powerful!

Reflection is important. Give yourself the healing gift of writing assignments that encourage you to give words to your conundrums, your frustrations, your grief. Put it to paper as you consider the possibilities and potential for growth. Thank your body for the many things it does for you every day. Do this for 30 days and watch what happens in your mind and with your health.

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The Power of Words

“Words can inspire. And words can destroy. Choose yours well.”

Self-help writer and leadership speaker Robin Sharma nailed it with this powerful quote.  We’ve all been on both the receiving and giving end of inspiring words.  Or hurtful ones.  So we know the boost we get when someone tells us we are amazing and will succeed. Conversely, we know how it feels when someone deflates us with a disparaging remark. We also know how bad we feel when it gets back to us that something we said off-hand to another caused offense and pain.

We know words can build or scar, so why do we sometimes speak unkindly? Several reasons come to mind:

• we are disconnected and unaware,
• we are frustrated, or
• we really do intend to hurt someone.

Regardless of the reason, when we verbalize something it is out there forever. Ouch!

A couple of thoughts to help:

Take a moment to breathe and think. As you are thinking, realize: this situation is going to pass, but the words you utter may be imprinted on another person for the rest of their life. Do you really want to tear down that person? Does it bring about a good result, and are your words of disdain how you want to be remembered? Even just a moment of reflection before we respond to a person can save a relationship, can lift another.

Toby Keith has a great country song, “I Wanna Talk About Me.” So let’s talk about “me” for a minute. Cruelty toward others is actually an indicator of how we feel about ourselves. If we are consistently self-critical, for example, we will tend to be critical of others.  When we figure out how to be less critical of ourselves, to forgive ourselves, and to nurture our personal growth, we instill a healthy sense of well-being. That healthy sense of well-being has an uncanny way of kicking Ego to the curb, which then enables us to better extend sincere kindness, patience, and forgiveness to others.  

Let’s examine the correlation between positive self-talk and a healthy mind/body. Do you catch yourself saying things like, “I’m not good with names”, “Nothing good ever happens to me”, or “my body’s falling apart”?

Did you know that when you do this, your being and your body believe it? The more you say things like this, the more it will manifest. Do you want to be better with names, feel young and vibrant, enjoy your healthy body? Then change the way you talk to yourself.

Start saying,

• “I’m great with names.” 
• “I always receive the best and greatest outcomes.”
• “I feel great.”

Even if you don’t believe it at first, do it. Over time your body and mind will believe it, and things will change.

I recently worked with a client who told me his knee was bothering him.  It became apparent that in order for his knee to feel better, he was going to have to change his self-talk. He was going to have to make a new habit – one of gratitude and appreciation toward his body, and specifically, his knee.  

As we discussed his assignment, he acknowledged how well it resonated with him. Before he even got started on it, he knew that his knee would respond to the positive words he would speak to it.  

This might sound too simplistic, but it works. Words are a powerful force, that over time, form new neuropathways in the brain. When we repeatedly express gratitude, repeat affirmations, or express encouragement, the brain develops new thought. This new energy becomes a belief, and if that belief is positive, it will bring about healing.

Here’s a fun experiment to try over the summer:

Choose an issue that you are having trouble with – it can be anything. Then carefully choose some words that will invite and encourage the outcome you desire. Write these words down, and say them to yourself frequently.  Further the influence of this experiment by extending this new kindness to others. 

By the end of the summer, see what has changed. This is the fun part. How much better do you feel? How has your body improved? And how does it feel to use your words to empower those around you? You have nothing to lose and everything to gain here. Just remember –  “Words can inspire. And words can destroy. Choose yours well.”

Lessons From a Tree: Discard What is Impairing New Growth

We lost our peach tree.  It was a beautiful tree with wonderful fruit that we enjoyed for almost 16 years. We realized too late that our tree was destroyed by parasites that burrowed into and fed off of the bark and roots of the tree. We thought we had nurtured our tree adequately, as we kept it pruned, sprayed, and fertilized. But we hadn’t been aggressive enough in cutting off dead limbs, which resulted in the entire tree being overtaken.

 I have come to realize there are personal lessons to be taken from the loss of our beloved tree, as everyone is planted here on this earth to learn, blossom, and grow.  I’ve compiled a list of things to watch for – parasites, if you will – that can fester and overtake our happiness if we aren’t watchful and vigilant:

• Negative Thoughts/Actions – dwelling on bad news, gossiping, focusing on the darker side of human nature, finding fault with everything
• Victim Energy – feeling picked on, always expecting the worst, manipulating others through guilt, always the martyr
• Holding Grudges – a refusal to forgive (this always starts with ourselves), not allowing someone to change, remembering only the flaws of another
• Anger/Bitterness/Resentment – self-explanatory. 

Wow, this all feels so heavy. Which, happily, means we can put it all down.  Let it all go. How? Let’s take each of the above one by one:

• Negative Thoughts/Actions: Take note of your negative thoughts without believing them, then consciously replace them with something helpful. Always ask: “Is it true? Helpful? Will it help me be my best self? Will it encourage others to thrive?” If not, get rid of it.  Only entertain the thoughts that empower, build, and inspire.
• Victim Energy: This oftentimes takes much effort to overcome, but when you do, your whole life will change. It’s really just making the decision to take responsibility for the direction of your life, instead of being acted upon.  You are in charge of your own happiness – no one else should be allowed that kind of power over you. You are only as happy as you decide to be, regardless of the circumstances.
• Holding Grudges: This really just takes too much energy, and it’s energy wasted. If you find yourself in this mindset, please realize it starts with self. Reflect on your life with forgiveness for all the times you didn’t live up to your own expectations. Learn the lessons from past mistakes with gratitude and move on. As you master this, you will notice that you will more naturally radiate that forgiveness to others. No one is perfect, and many times people are trying their best. Make it a point to see the goodness in yourself and others. Put the heaviness of blame down, and notice how instantly “light” and free you feel.
• Anger/Bitterness/Resentment: We all feel angry at times and that is normal. It’s when we hang onto that anger that it festers within us and makes a home there. The next time you feel mad, acknowledge what you feel and why – this validates what you are feeling.  Then process the feeling by setting healthy boundaries for yourself while working toward a positive outcome. This will look different with each scenario you face, but always remember to aim for a good solution, while also visualizing the better person you will be on the other side of the conflict. 

In the garden of life, I’m sure there are many other things that can eat away at our happiness and peace of mind.  But if we will make the effort to weed out the above unnecessary parasites of human nature, we will allow ourselves to bloom in our unique splendor and brilliance. Learn the lessons from my peach tree – if something within you is destroying your well-being, take it out, discard it, replace it with something good and let yourself grow into your full stature.

Improve Workplace Morale and Energy

Mark the appropriate letter – I love my job:  

A) Never   

B) Sometimes   

C) Always   

D) Only during the Holidays when I’m home and not working.

 If you marked A or D -maybe find another job?  If you marked C then you are one of the lucky few, and you should thank your lucky stars. If you marked B you’re the winner – I wrote this article just for you. 

There are countless ways to boost the energy and morale of a business, so I will focus on just 2 things that will have maximum impact.

First, the best business lesson I ever learned --  Everyone has a customer. From the CEO to the janitor.  Know who your customer is! One of my first “real” jobs was a bank teller when I was 19 years old. I worked for Florida National Bank, an institution that really got it. I was so well-trained before being assigned to a branch that by the time I worked with my first customer I already knew what I was doing.  

One of the things they taught me was that the president of the bank had a very important customer: ME! Yep, that’s right. I was told that his job was to make me happy. Why? Because as a teller I was the face of the establishment. To the vast majority of their customers, I was the one they saw and visited with, the one who handled their money (with a smile of course), the one they came to know and trust.

Most customers didn’t know or care who the president was -- they cared about who they were personally dealing with on a daily basis. And that was me. So the bank kept me happy so that I in turn would make the customer happy.

How did they do that? They treated me like I mattered – they included me in some of their meetings, they offered me a monthly bonus (along with a spotlight in the monthly newsletter) if my teller drawer was balanced for 30 consecutive days, and they even gave me co-access to the vault and to the building itself.

As a result I was a happily conscientious employee. By the way, I balanced my drawer every day that I worked there – incentive pays off. Oh, and guess what else – teller turnover was pretty non-existent, as everyone loved their jobs.  One teller had already been there 15 years when I was hired. This principle works best from the top down, as management sets the tone for everyone to follow.

Secondly, be someone who can be relied upon. Have integrity. Whether you are on the management end of things or the new entry-level employee, be honest. Employees, make an extra effort to be on time!

Maybe you don’t realize the frustration caused by consistent tardiness, but it truly causes distress to others.

Also, be willing to go the extra mile when another responsibility needs to be covered. Remember that everything you do affects someone else. And managers, presidents, CEOs – Please ask yourself this tough question: is your primary motive money, prestige, and power? If it is, realize that you are selling your integrity and your good name.  Ouch, sorry, that’s harsh. But realize that your reputation will be carried through the generations and remembered long after you are gone. So unless you want to change your name to Ebeneezer Scrooge or Ima Grinch, honestly assess your priorities and values, then re-assess them until they align with a character in which you can be pleased to leave as a valued legacy. Wealth is great, but not at the expense of your integrity. We receive through honest giving.

There are so many ways to improve the energy in your workplace.  Remember that it always begins with YOU. If you are delightful to be around, the whole office will catch your fun energy.  If you take the lead as a hard worker, others will follow your example. Don’t be a Scrooge, never a Grinch. Give more than you take. 

Staying Renewed, Hopeful and Recharged

“We must always change, renew, rejuvenate ourselves; otherwise we harden.”  Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

I am often asked by my clients to help them maintain the feelings of clarity and light-heartedness that result from an energy healing session. I usually respond by giving them some “homework” (according to their needs). Some examples: keep a gratitude journal, perform small acts of kindness, make time each day for reading, etc.  Or maybe just go outside and enjoy flowers and sunshine. These simple yet effective habits keep them renewed, hopeful, and recharged.

This concept of self-renewal was first presented to me years ago while working in the banking industry. A motivational speaker came to provide a leadership seminar, and instructed us to close our eyes and imagine that each of us was a beautiful reservoir. He helped us envision ourselves giving water to those in need, giving to the point that we ran dry. Once we were depleted, there was nothing left to give. He then explained that in order for us to keep giving, just like the reservoir, we must be replenished. We accomplish this by doing the things that recharge and renew our energy. This exercise in imagery had a lasting effect on me, and I often refer to it when I feel overwhelmed or frustrated.

Just as a chair needs all four legs to remain stable and useful, we too have four components we must maintain for balance: Brain, Body, Heart, Spirit.  That’s four different areas we need to care for so we can function at our highest level, serve others, and enjoy this journey of life.

Brain

This is where we have the capacity to imagine, invent, learn, and reason. It’s obvious why we need to keep this part of ourselves sharp and refreshed. One of my favorite comic strips, created by The Far Side’s Gary Larson, portrays a picture of a dog balancing on his hind legs on a tightrope. In his mind he is thinking: “Oh no, I am an old dog, and this is a new trick.”  Unlike the dog in the comic, we are never too old to learn, whether it occurs in a college class, a ceramics shop, or the local library.  Sometimes we need “new tricks”, creative ideas, or fresh perspectives.

Body

Keeping the body renewed is probably the one with which we are most familiar. There are endless studies proving the importance of exercise, adequate rest, and proper nutrition. Even just 20 minutes of walking can do wonders for the chemistry and balance to the body systems. Developing a consistent bedtime routine also strengthens the body’s natural rhythms, allowing the body to rejuvenate itself. And we all know the old saying about an apple a day keeping the doctor away.

Heart

 Our hearts are probably the most fragile parts of our being. This is where the effects of our closest relationships dwell, and sometimes that is painful. We renew our hearts by being kind, compassionate, giving and receiving love, and by extending forgiveness – whether it’s to ourselves, or our loved-ones. We refrain from harsh judgments and backbiting, and we commit to keeping the promises we make.   

Spirit

Last, but not least, we replenish our spirits. Read an inspirational book, say a prayer, write in a journal. Perform small acts of service -- hold the door open for someone, give a sincere compliment, or let the person behind you in the grocery line go ahead of you. It’s surprising how good these seemingly small deeds can feel, as the ripple effects of these acts encompass so many people. Another great way to recharge the battery of the soul is to go outside and walk barefoot in the grass or sand. This literal connection to earth is renewing in the following ways: it stimulates reflex points, decreases depression, and forces us to connect with nature all around. Just try it – it feels pretty good. Also, incorporate sitting down for five minutes a day to just breathe. Let the mind go, and focus on slow, full, even breaths. This reduces stress and anxiety, and is rejuvenating to body and spirit.

Life throws many curveballs, and you need to take care of yourself so you can care for others. Make sure that all four legs of your life chair are strong, sturdy, and balanced.  Your homework for the day – say something nice to your neighbor, kiss your sweetheart, forgive yourself and your friends for not being perfect, then go outside barefoot and smell the flowers.

The Family Tree – How Its Roots Affect You

Have you been to a family reunion before? Where we celebrate Grandpa’s 80th birthday, or listen to stories about how Great-Grandma fell off the buckboard while her brothers laughed.  These traditional gatherings are also where we notice certain family traits that are shared among us – on my side of the family it’s the blonde hair, while those from the Atkin clan can be identified by their brilliant blue eyes. 

But did you know we also inherit emotional and mental traits – certain behaviors and characteristics that have been handed down from one generation to the next? For example, you may have the same mild temperament as Uncle Joe, or share a similar ability with Aunt Bea to solve complicated calculus problems.

While we enjoy inheriting these great qualities from our forebears, we also unfortunately get the bad with the good. Oftentimes issues such as addiction, abuse, depression, phobias, and money problems (just to name a few) also get passed down to us.

You might be asking – “How can this be? How can something that an ancestor suffered from affect me 100 years or more later?” Well, there have been fascinating studies done for many years now on this intriguing topic, and the findings all concur that this indeed happens.  In one study, neuroscientists at Emory University taught male mice to fear the smell of cherry blossoms by associating the scent with mild shocks to the foot. The offspring of these mice were raised to adulthood having never been exposed to the smell. Yet when these full-grown critters were introduced to the scent for the first time, they became anxious and fearful. In fact, they were found to carry even more cherry blossom-detecting neurons in their noses and brains than the mice that were originally traumatized. The experiment found further that subsequent generations of mice carried this same fear. This is but one example of a single traumatic experience being transmitted across generations.

In the work that I do, this phenomenon is referred to simply as “Generational” issues. One way to identify this in your own life is to look closely at situations in which you feel stuck, even after you’ve worked hard to overcome obstacles and shortcomings.  For example, if you’ve tried hard for years to accumulate a healthy nest egg only to find continuous financial distress, you likely have a generational money issue. You will probably find as you research your family history that this has been the case with parents, grandparents, greats, and so on.

When you find these setbacks, take heart – they can be released and overcome. Not just for you, but for those in the family that carry the same trait. Carolyn Cooper, founder of SimplyHealed™, refers to this as “releasing energy patterns that are in the lineage”.  Because this is such a game-changer for so many, generational clearing is a favorite among energy workers. I think of it as setting down the heavy baggage that our ancestors have inadvertently passed on that no longer has to be carried. What a relief!

I hope your summer gatherings are peaceful, light-hearted, and fun. And if you find yourself being as nit-picky as Uncle Harold, give him and yourself a break – it probably started with Great-Grandma Pearl.

Feeling Lucky?

When I was a kid, one of my favorite TV shows was a Variety show called “HeeHaw” (tells you how old I am).  There was a segment on this show performed by Buck Owens and Roy Clark, where they harmonized a song that went like this: “…..if it weren’t for bad luck, I’d have no luck at all. Gloom, despair, and agony on me” Funny segment, totally depressing dialog.  Those of you old enough to remember this are humming the tune to this right now.

Do you ever find yourself thinking these kinds of thoughts? That your kind of "luck" is bad luck? Do you expect the worst? Are you always sick? If so, you may be living in "victim energy". As long as you are entertaining this way of thinking, you will actually experience the bad outcomes of which you are fearful. This may sound strange, but it’s very true – the mind/body connection is real and powerful. We all experience negativity and doubt from time to time, but it is very empowering when we can recognize this, overcome it, and live in the high energy that will attract those greater things we want.

Some suggestions:

• Accept that happiness and success is a choice -- so choose to be happy and successful
• Take responsibility for your thoughts and actions – quit blaming others
• Visualize yourself being successful -- what does that look like? What are you doing differently? How does that feel?
• Actively pursue those things that you want – failure only happens when you do nothing
• Get off the couch, and go help someone – service is a highly effective way to bless your life, as well as others’
• Live in gratitude for the things you already have and enjoy

Did I miss anything? If so, please add your own suggestions. By incorporating just one of these actions, you will enact a positive ripple effect, which will lift and empower you. You will be healthier, happier, and more successful in all your pursuits. It’s too late for Buck Owens and Roy Clark to give us some better advice, but maybe the good folks from “Duck Dynasty” can come up with some uplifting words to live by. In the meantime: Good "luck" -- you can do it!

Featured image Copyright: Kerdkanno / BigStockPhoto.com

In Your Dreams: Using Your Subconscious Mind to Improve Life

Have you ever dreamed you were being chased, only to find that you were running ineffectively in slow motion? Or that you were taking a test that you weren’t prepared for? Dreams seem to be a strange phenomenon that happen randomly and without reason – or do they?

People have pondered the meaning of dreams for centuries.  A source of inspiration, guidance, prediction, and problem-solving, dreams are a common experience to us all. We’ve heard the expression, “I’ll sleep on it” when someone is making an important decision.  By tuning in to our dreams, we can glean wisdom from our subconscious mind that is alerting us to helpful solutions.

There are primary dream symbols which usually have the same meanings. Some common themes:

• A house: You. A house falling down could warn that you need to take better care of yourself. A large house could indicate great potential and awareness of opportunities.
• Any vehicle: Also the self, but more specifically your mode of traveling in your daily life. An airplane is your spiritual “plane”, while a motorcycle or bicycle means you need more balance in your life.
• Teeth falling out: signals that you need a boost of self-confidence.

Once you become comfortable with the meaning of various symbols in your dreams, you can then use this knowledge to make yourself happier and boost your problem-solving skills.

Some tips for utilizing your dream power:

1. Keep a dream journal.  Write down your dream the second you wake up.  If you wait, you’ll lose most of the details of your dream.  A Canadian study found that people who review the content of their dreams over a week’s time see clear solutions to the problems they faced seven days earlier. 1
2. Realize that everything in the dream is you. People in your dream usually represent personality traits within yourself that you’ve projected onto them.
3. To ease nightmares, sleep on your right side. This from Turkish researchers who studied sleeping positions and how they relate to sleep quality. These researchers found that those who slept on their right have mellower ones, with themes of relief, joy, peace and love. 2
4. Deliberately program your dreams for answers. Before going to sleep, take a few deep breaths, relax, and bring the problem to mind. Then tell yourself that you will dream the solution, and that you will remember it when you awake. Again, remember to write down the dream and every detail you can remember immediately upon awakening.

Your dreams help you look at the thought patterns that are governing your life. So the next time you dream about being chased, know that you are avoiding looking at a problem. You are putting yourself through unnecessary anguish and pain. Remember to turn around and confront whatever aspect of self is chasing you, make peace with it, and know that the answer will come and the drama will end. Sweet dreams.

Featured Image: Copyright: REDPIXEL.PL / BigstockPhoto.com

A New Year’s Resolution – Finding our Unique Purpose

Another new year…another fresh start.  As we make our New Years Resolutions each year, we usually make a list of things we are going to change.  Most of us want a lot of the same things: health, financial freedom, happy relationships, and fulfillment in life. We all want a sense of purpose – a life purpose. Something that’s personal and empowering. So how do we go about finding our life’s purpose?

First, let’s gain some understanding about the origin of making New Years Resolutions, and how it can help us as we move into a new year. The tradition of New Year's Resolutions goes all the way back to 153 B.C. Janus, a mythical king of early Rome was placed at the head of the calendar. With two faces, Janus could look back on past events and forward to the future. Janus became the ancient symbol for resolutions and many Romans looked for forgiveness from their enemies before the beginning of each year.

So our first step then is to look at the past year and learn all that we can from our experiences. What did we do right? What did we do wrong? What didn’t work, and what did? Experience is a powerful teacher, so let’s use it for our highest good.

Next, we move forward by making a Personal Mission Statement. Successful businesses make a Mission Statement, and so should we. This personal motto will serve as a guide and provide clarity as we make worthwhile goals for ourselves. Stephen Covey, in his book, 7 Habits of Highly Effective People says: “Writing or reviewing a mission statement changes you because it forces you to think through your priorities deeply, carefully, and to align your behaviour with your beliefs ” A Personal Mission Statement might look something like this:  I live to serve my talents as communicator, artist, and independent businesswoman. I create balance in work, play, and community. I inspire those I interact with. To create your own mission statement, list your answers to the following questions:  

• What do I want to do?
• Who do I want to help?
• What will be the result – what value will I create?

To help answer some of these broader questions, make a list of specific qualities that are unique to you. This should include the following:

1. What are your natural talents? What comes easy to you?
2. What were some challenges, difficulties, and hardships you’ve overcome? How did you do it?
3. What activities make you lose track of time?
4. What do people typically seek your advice about? Need your help with?
5. What are your deepest values?
6. You are now 90 years old, looking back happily on your successful life – what mattered to you most?

This exercise should take some time, but will pay off abundantly as you align your goals accordingly.

Once our Personal Mission Statement is created, goal-setting becomes easy, as we now understand our unique focus. As D.M. Dellinger said, “You are unrepeatable. There is a magic about you that is all your own…. “ As this new year starts, let us first reflect on the experiences of the past; contemplate our interests, talents, and strengths - then move forward with the confidence of someone who knows their life purpose.

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